Where is Roger? Orgasms, parenting, exes make the cut for ‘The Roast of Tom Brady,’ but most NFL figures don’t
Posted: October 2025
One of the rules of roasts has to be that there are no rules. What’s anyone going to do if someone says the wrong thing? What did they think they were signing up for?
If you’re a roastee, it’s tough enough flexing a thick skin. What gets complicated is the collateral damage — friends, siblings, parents, mentors, kids ... old people ... ethnicities ... people with disabilities ... victims of terrorism and horrifying circumstances ...
Yeah. Ha ha.
All of the above surfaced as targets in Netflix’s “The Roast of Tom Brady,” almost surely the most visible roast of all time and perhaps the most surprising. Most viewers probably expected the live airing to be the comedy equivalent of the NFL’s Pro Bowl, an exhibition so watered down, it no longer exists. Instead, they got a Game of the Century, the type of event that probably can’t be duplicated for decades. “The world needs this,” Roast Master Jeff Ross announced, and in a way, it does.
That professional comedians would let it all hang out on a stage such as this is obvious. What’s remarkable is how so many non-comedians, people with still active careers, brands and businesses, seemed more than happy — if a little sheepish — to sling the b.s. and swear into a mike like teenagers for a few hours.
Who actually got spared at this event? There was very little about Donald Trump. Nothing about Joe Biden or Kamala Harris or Nancy Pelosi or Jan. 6 rioters. Or Ukraine. There was only a tiny bit about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. There was one reference to George Floyd. There was nothing about Britain’s royal family, including the branch that lives in Southern California. Nearly everyone and everything who was hit at this event was in bounds, although everyone has different boundaries.
Roastees often are old people, retirees. Here we’ve got a guy under 50 who’s getting paid about a third of a billion dollars to speak to the whole country every Sunday — completely seriously — about football who is, um, saying things you won’t hear during those broadcasts. (His ability to do that and not get fired is called leverage.) But for more than two hours, it did seem like “The Roast of Tom Brady” might be pulling punches. All these NFL veterans up on stage, and not a word about maybe their biggest nemesis, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Finally, in the closing minutes, Goodell’s name was heard, courtesy of the roastee (“Where’s Roger Goodell?”), who made less of a joke and more of a statement about the merits of Deflategate. (If you don’t know what that is, you’ll have to look it up.) So Roger didn’t go unscathed, but the barb was actually less than the Commish typically hears at the podium on NFL Draft night (if you’re not familiar with that either, you’ll have to look it up). The roast punted on this particular subject.
There was, curiously, almost nothing about Brady’s second team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which he quarterbacked for three seasons and won a Super Bowl. Most of those players are still active. Brady’s first coach in Tampa, Bruce Arians, is retired but not mentioned and presumably wasn’t there.
One NFL figure involved in recent controversy, Jon Gruden, wasn’t mentioned. And though two of Brady’s fellow Patriots quarterbacks were mentioned, most of his NFL quarterback contemporaries, names such as Ben Roethlisberger, Philip Rivers, Drew Brees, Donovan McNabb, Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan, Cam Newton and Vince Young, weren’t heard. Other than an innocuous, brief mention by Peyton Manning, neither was Aaron Rodgers. Eli Manning, mentioned numerous times, wasn’t on hand but joked on X that he didn’t want to roast Brady a “3rd time.” Brady’s Michigan teammate, Drew Henson, who kept Brady from a full-time starting job, was not mentioned. This was an exclusive Patriots event. One notable Patriot evidently wasn’t there — Josh McDaniels, the longtime offensive coordinator who still is employed by the team. The team’s current head coach, Mike Vrabel, was also a longtime Brady teammate but wasn’t at the roast.
Kevin Hart orchestrates a toast with Bill Belichick and Bob Kraft.
According to comedians afterward, Brady’s camp apparently requested no jokes about at least a couple entities, Brady’s kids (who apparently were not at the event), and the massage-parlor incident involving Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who was in attendance and even spoke. The kids weren’t mentioned by name, but those taboos were basically breached by the first couple of speakers, as emcee Kevin Hart announced, “When you got a chance to go 8-9 and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do what the f--- you gotta do,” and Jeff Ross referred to Kraft, asking “Would you like a massage,” prompting Brady to approach Ross at the podium and warn, apparently seriously, “Don't say that s--- again.” At one point, Sam Jay told Brady, “You refuse to raise your kids.”
But Brady’s camp apparently made no such requests about the women in his life. Nikki Glaser jabbed Gisele Bundchen and Bridget Moynihan; “It’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend.” Will Ferrell, in character as Ron Burgundy, was more miss than hit but did uncork this knee-slapper about Brady’s short-passing game: “The last time this guy went truly deep, he ended up paying child support to Bridget Moynihan.”
Brady said on a podcast shortly after the event that he “didn’t like the way that it affected my kids.” Bundchen, Brady’s ex-wife and mother of two of his kids, was a frequent target and was said to be “deeply disappointed” in what she heard. (On the other hand, Jordon Hudson, Bill Belichick’s girlfriend, marked the 6-month anniversary of the event.)
Several comedians delivered career moments at this event. Maybe the most underappreciated was the sensational workman-like success of Kevin Hart, whose rejoinder material often struck out or grounded out but who kept stepping up to the plate and occasionally got a big hit and, most impressively, put on his own mini-show howling at the other comedians’ best lines — most of which involved not Tom Brady but the other comics. Hart announced early, “I’m removing the discomfort from this room.”
Nikki Glaser
Gorgeous Nikki Glaser, given an early slot, alternated between Kevin Hart and Rob Gronkowski and a sexual rampage, opening with, “Thank you, 15 Cent ... You’ve really gotta hand it to Kevin Hart. Because he can’t reach.” She said Gronkowski “put the downs in touchdowns” and in one of the best lines of the event, suggested Gronk’s response to Brady’s crypto troubles was “Me know that not real money,” which brought a salute from Kevin Hart.
Perhaps (hopefully) because she was so good, Glaser took the biggest beating from not only the other comedians but even some of the Patriots. Tony Hinchcliffe said she has “such a bad eating disorder the industry keeps shoving her down our throat.” Andrew Schulz said every date of Glaser “bends her over and takes a hike.” Gronk said that Bill Belichick, 72, rather than dating a 20-something woman, “should be trying to bang someone your own age, like Nikki.”
The material delivered by Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura belies their genial appearance; they did bring up Jeffrey Epstein, as well as Magic Johnson having AIDS and drew some Hitler comparisons to Brady, though “Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.” But the barbs hurled at them by other comedians generally fell flat, which may be good or bad for Kreischer and Segura.
Aside from the constant refrain of gay references, on the receiving end more on this night than in any football game was late Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, the productive player-turned-convicted murderer who died in prison after taking his own life, and even though the subject got saturated, every line was pretty good. Jeff Ross announced, “I just came from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello.” Drew Bledsoe, the first Patriots presenter, noted Gronk was “Tom’s favorite tight end that wasn’t a murderer.” Discussing Super Bowl rings, Nikki Glaser said “Aaron Hernandez had a ring — around his neck.” Julian Edelman joked that Hernandez was “hung.” Tony Hinchcliffe said Kevin Hart is so short that “He’s been using the stool that Aaron Hernandez kicked out from under himself.” Even the guest of honor in summation cracked that all Hernandez had to follow were three rules: “Block, catch, don’t murder.”
The attendee with the biggest bull’s-eye, somehow, and a great sport, was Rob Gronkowski, Brady’s longtime teammate and surefire Hall of Famer who does entertaining TV commercials; the comedians collectively sensed oaf material that Gronk impressively played up to. People Being Dumb is maybe the strongest common thread of humor throughout human history, and Gronk, as he typically did in the end zone, delivered, as both recipient and giver of lines.
Kim Kardashian listens to a joke from Tom Brady.
Kim Kardashian was a beautiful sport. She took the podium for a mere 2½ minutes and got back far more than that in the form of friendly fire. Some in the audience notably booed as she took the stage (Netflix was criticized for editing out this occurrence in the version available now), and the comedians and roastee took turns on Kim’s body parts and parenting. Then again, she didn’t have to be there.
Exactly who was most “offensive”? That probably goes to Tony Hinchcliffe, who referred to Nazi ovens, Middle East bombings and “George Floyd The Video Game,” opened fire on Nikki Glaser, Sam Jay and Kim Kardashian and referred to Brady as a “Confederate f--.” Despite a sizzling set that spared nothing, Hinchcliffe, who later made a joke about Puerto Rico at a Donald Trump event a week before the 2024 election that drew headlines, avoided virtually any payback from the rest of the comedians, apparently because he was seated out in the crowd and took the mike fairly late into the program.
It wasn’t all jokes, though — it was a roast with a heart, and not just Kevin. The Patriots’ camaraderie brings to mind events such as Green Bay’s Bart Starr Day in 1970, when Henry Jordan served as emcee, and when Terry Bradshaw took a final snap from Steelers teammate Mike Webster at the latter’s Hall of Fame induction in 1997, when legendary teammates recalled the days of being NFL kings not many years earlier. Patriot after Patriot took the mike and, after delivering the routines, mentioned how highly they think of Brady, exchanges that typically ended with a pair of “I love ya man” and a hug. Apparently unscripted, Kevin Hart asked Belichick and Kraft to have a shot together at the podium, and they obliged.
Tom Brady hugs Julian Edelman after Edelman’s presentation.
Drew Bledsoe said Brady has “always been a man of true character” Bill Belichick praised numerous players including a few who were on the dais but not speaking. He said safety Rodney Harrison (who attended) not being in the Hall of Fame “might be the biggest joke of the night.” Peyton Manning announced that Brady was making a donation to the charities of every former teammate at the event.
The only near-bust among the presenters was Ben Affleck, who was up for less than five minutes but to his credit did bring up Malcolm Butler, a player involved in a controversial Belichick decision in a Super Bowl that the Patriots lost and stated, “There’s no answer to that question.”
Other highlights of the routines at “The Roast of Tom Brady” — these timelines are culled from the edited version now available on Netflix:
— The production begins with Bill Belichick addressing someone with his back turned who appears to be Tom Brady but is actually Drew Bledsoe, about who will start in the Super Bowl. Bledsoe says the “F” word, first of many times at this event.
— From the audience, NFL Network’s Rich Eisen introduces Kevin Hart, “Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival.”
— Kevin Hart declares this “The Greatest Roast of all time,” stumbles a bit saying Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback of all time. Hart makes a raw joke about Jerry Buss and the Los Angeles Lakers’ nickname “Showtime.” He makes a crypto joke about Brady, says “I’ve never seen Inglewood so white ... Looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out.” In a curious compilation, a short video clip of Brady’s college/career highlights is shown, apparently playing it straight, and a voice declares Brady “the most underrated college quarterback in the country.” Tom Brady is introduced. He walks in to a standing ovation and takes a seat, perfectly placed near the podium.
— Kevin Hart II, beginning/continuing his routine, tells Brady “I’m gonna ruin your f----- Sunday.” He says it’s “two years since Tom got divorced” and Brady has been so active, “His d--- has CTE.” Says Gisele Bundchen “came as Antonio Brown’s Plus-one.” After a dis of Bill Belichick, returns to Bundchen, and her reported relationship with a martial arts instructor; “Eight karate classes a day and she’s still a white belt.” Describes the people on the dais as “out of shape athletes,” “horrible podcasters” and “one whore.” Warns that he’s got “guns” to zing people all night, referencing Chelsea Handler (her only mention of the night) and Kim Kardashian in the audience, about 7½ minutes.
Jeff Ross talks about Marco Andretti
— Jeff Ross, the Roast Master, wearing a bloody football jersey that says "ROAST J SIMPSON" and is wheeled out by pretty girls, declares, “The Juice is loose tonight." Mentions Gisele Bundchen and Mike Tyson-Jake Paul, says Brady is “beautiful” and that Kevin Hart is sitting on Brady’s book and looks like a deflated football and is an Eagles fan, but one snatched him up; “did Randy Moss take a knee?” Says Mark Twain would call Kevin ... a “national treasure.” Mentions Dana White in the audience; “He brought the whole cast of ‘Queer Eye’ ... you’re like Michael Vick but with human beings.” Says “Forum is also how Rob Gronkowski counts to 5.” Says “We’re doin’ it Boston-style tonight ... It’s gonna be a marathon, and somebody’s gonna bomb,” prompting Brady to say “Jeff.” Tells Tom that Florida’s governor “wouldn’t be able to call ya gay.” After his “massage” comment, mentions Bledsoe, Edelman and tells Brady, “You’re also a great sport,” about 11 minutes. Kevin Hart says Jeff’s career is “dying” and that Jeff is mad about the O.J. Simpson case because “a waiter got killed,” introduces Drew Bledsoe.
— Drew Bledsoe says the night on stage “Reminds me of the first round of the draft,” mentions supposed animosity between himself and Brady, says Bill Belichick has “time on his hands,” says “Tom invited his one Black receiver here tonight” in the form of Randy Moss, says Randy is “the whitest name since Kevin.” Says Brady played while “not being touched — just like the end of the marriage,” says he himself is on his “28th wedding anniversary,” tells of Brady driving a “yellow f----- Jeep” while Brady offers that “it was free,” closes with serious praise, about 9 minutes. Kevin Hart says Bledsoe has the kind of face seen in Walgreens picture frames, or an “employee of the month face,” introduces Nikki Glaser.
— Nikki Glaser begins set on Kevin Hart’s size, says he does short films, he’s “5-2, 150 pounds” (or more, with a risque mention of the Rock). Says Gronkowski born with CTE, “microwaved as a baby,” tells Jeff Ross, “You really put the ick in Ozempic ... you look like something cancer catches,” tells Bert Kreischer, “Bert, I’m such a fan of your joke.” Mentions rings in regard to Patriot players, including Edelman in a private place. Calls Brady “the only goat Jeff Ross hasn’t tried to f---.” Says Brady has “seven rings, well eight now that Gisele gave hers back,” calls Brady the “hottest person” and explains, “I do have a boyfriend, we’ve been together for 10 years, he’s the love of my life,” but she’d love just a chance with Brady. “My c--- has CTE now. I would show you but the NFL’s making me cover it up.” Says that if you follow Brady’s diet, you “can lose your family.” Says she made a “promise to keep it Kevin Hart” and mentions Taylor Swift, about 9 minutes. Kevin Hart credits Glaser for “brilliant writing, brilliant timing,” introduces Randy Moss, “the Black man from West Virginia.”
Tony Hinchcliffe skewers some of the other comedians in attendance.
— Randy Moss’ smooth and energetic delivery was a lot better than his material; he seems like too much of a nice guy to want to take part in this endeavor. Moss says Spygate, Deflategate happened before and after he played for the Patriots, wonders “Why the f--- didn’t we cheat when I was there?” Says David Tyree had a “magnet tied to his hand” in Super Bowl 42. Says he wants Brady’s first ring, from Super Bowl 36, “He played like s---.” Asks Robert Kraft, “Vladimir Putin has a ring???” before praising Brady, under 5 minutes. Kevin Hart mentions the Black men on stage, introduces Kim Kardashian.
— Kim Kardashian first pauses during a little mild booing, which is edited from current version of the roast on Netflix. Says Kevin is “pretty mean ... the smallest Black d--- I’ve ever seen.” Says of the others on the dais, she’d write jokes for them, but, “I literally don’t know who you are.” Jokes about dating Brady and her famous tape, says “ex-athlete, high cheekbones, silky hair: you remind me too much of my stepdad,” mentions family members defending former football players, about 2½ minutes, Jeff Ross takes the mike and ushers Kardashian back to her seat, introduces Marco Andretti in the audience, makes a Caitlyn Jenner/Tuck Rule joke, introduces Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura.
— Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura rip Jeff Ross as a “whore,” mention “GOATWG,” say “Our people don’t get many days like these anymore,” refer to “Greatest White Guy alive,” show picture of Brady and Donald Trump to mix of cheers. Say Brady in a shirtless photo is “gayest s--- I’ve ever seen,” mention Netflix serial killers, comparing Ted Bundy to Brady on a “Psychopathy Checklist,” say Bundchen got half of Brady’s Fox check and wonder, “is she here.” Make references to Jeffrey Dahmer, Jeffrey Epstein, the “Netflix documentary darling,” say Epstein had his ring unlike Brady, “earned legitimately, without cheating.” Say Brady and Hitler “so alike,” closed with, “Please note, these are all just jokes, and we do not wanna die ... please don’t kill us," about 6½ minutes. Kevin Hart took the mike, did a square-up joke in audience with Dana White and introduced Sam Jay.
— Sam Jay mentions being from Boston, says congrats to Netflix for making “another white man a mediocre star.” Zings talent of Bert Kreischer, makes Tracy Morgan comparison, says he had to get hit by a Walmart truck to get Bert’s level of money. References Bledsoe, says “Tom do us a favor and f--- this dude’s wife,” makes a strap-on joke compared to Bledsoe’s ring, gets standing ovation, described having a sexual experience, credits Brady for success and asks, “please please please sign my jersey?,” to which Brady assures yes, nearly 6 minutes. Ron Burgundy character (Will Ferrell) is introduced to a standing ovation.
— Ron Burgundy trumpets Madison Square Garden, the Knicks and “Billy Joel residency.” Calls Brady a “true Patriot until he was not, of course.” In deliberate delivery, mentions Brady’s “cheekbones” but “Never saw a more boring quarterback ... The master of the 6-yard slant” and “checkdowns.” Says Moss was the on-field version of Bundchen, “She’s Spanish, right?” Says of Bill Belichick, “It was Tom — it was never you,” wishes Belichick “Good luck on ZipRecruiter,” refers to male nurses and “bedside manner.” Says Eli Manning is not in attendance, asks crowd to chant that Eli Manning made Brady his “b----,” says he got the “worst diarrhea ever” from Brady’s plant-based shakes, just over 11 minutes, introduces Bill Belichick to “Star Wars” music.
— Bill Belichick says he was invited to “lighten up the mood, says a lot of mean things are being said, says he plays a “Cover 2” when Kevin talks, “cover both ears.” Mentions Glaser, Schulz, Segura, says “This is a comedy version of the No-Name Defense,” jabs Jeff Ross over cookie sleeves, says he always told players to “do your job” but watching Gronkowski on Fox, “Please stop doing your job.” Says Gronkowski’s food endorsements include “Tide Pods.” Says it was the time in his career for him to say “no,” advice he says was never given by Kevin Hart’s manager. Says he rescued Moss from Raiders, mentions Danny Amendola and Matt Light (both present) and Nate Solder (apparently not present), likes Light “far away from the microphone,” says Light with Crohn’s disease gave him “so much s---.” Calls Rodney Harrison a great player, great person, and Harrison not being in the Hall of Fame “might be the biggest joke of the night.” Says Brady’s soccer team sucks, and it’s “not so easy running a team, is it Tom?,” says Brady is “so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass,” about 11 minutes. Kevin Hart takes the podium and praises Belichick and says he had zingers but “I had some good ones for you too” that apparently won’t be mentioned, introduces Julian Edelman.
— Julian Edelman says he figured he’d see all these Patriots at Kraft’s funeral, tells Hart he won’t make short jokes but Black jokes, says he thought Hart was Bert Kreischer’s liver. Says “Jeff and I are both Jewish,” the difference is people tell him “Oh he’s Jewish?” Says Belichick’s only offer was from Foxboro High School, says he calls Brady “Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband,” tells Brady, “You’re gay,” mentions Alex Guerrero. Closes, “Just remember these are jokes Tom.” Brady tells him “Brother, you killed it,” nearly 7 minutes. Kevin Hart takes the podium and says “white boys” like the d--- jokes, zings Jeff Ross with a Sam Jay joke, salutes audience. Tony Hinchcliffe in the audience introduces a “random” speaker and hands mike to Dana White.
Dana White
— Dana White jokes about his first name, says the way Brady runs indicates he’s “definitely from San Francisco,” introduces Sugar Sean O’Malley and Max Holloway, jabs Alex Guerrero and Jeff Ross, about 90 seconds.
— Tony Hinchliffe takes the mike and mentions the “stellar dais,” says Belichick’s phone, like Moss, has no ring. “Tom is afraid of the Giants. Which is why Kevin Hart is hosting tonight.” Says Brady’s ex-wife is “draining balls” and that Brady has the “same fan base as Kyle Rittenhouse.” Says Gronkowski is writing letters to Santa, having chocolate milk, says Jeff Ross only watches football “for the coin toss.” Says of Glaser’s routine, “who wrote that; where was that your entire career,” says she has “such a bad eating disorder the industry keeps shoving her down our throat.” Says “Netflix checked off a lot of boxes” by having Sam Jay at the event, refers to “aw hell gnaws.” Says “Kim Kardashian’s here; she’s had a lot of Black men celebrate in her end zone. ... You have more public beef than Kendrick and Drake,” about 5 minutes. Kevin Hart roars over “aw hell gnaw ... He turned into Tyler Perry in the middle of the joke,” and introduces Rob Gronkowski.
— Rob Gronkowski says “Kevin looks like one of my s----,” says “Jeff Ross looks like one of my livers in 20 years.” Says Bert Kreischer went to FSU, “Fat S--- University.” Mentions Patriots, Bledsoe, Brady’s sisters, prompting Brady to approach podium. Says he has five brothers, but “Tom doesn’t even know five brothers.” and that there are only “2½” on stage. Prepares a shot with Brady and Belichick, smashes glass, about 11 minutes. Kevin Hart says Gronkowski doesn’t have the “itch” anymore, but women with Gronkowski do, introduces Andrew Schulz, who “sold out Madison Square Garden.”
— Andrew Schulz says Kevin Hart is short, “3/5 a person ... that’s what his wife took in the divorce.” Says, “This stage has seen more head trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.” Says “3/5 is how much of Nikki’s hand goes down her throat after a meal. Whatever you’re doing Nikki, it’s working, keep it up.” Says Dana White “put more immigrants in cages than U.S. border policies.” Says Moss is “dressed like Bagger Vance ... Someone get him out of the sand trap, I mean Nikki’s p----, sorry.” Says Jeff Ross reminds him of “the patient from Operation.” Says of Glaser, “On the outside, she looks like Tiffany Trump, but on the inside, she’s Barron,” nearly 8 minutes. Kevin Hart says Schulz’s father owns a pizzeria “with no pictures of Black celebrities,” introduces Robert Kraft.
— Robert Kraft says the Patriots are “family,” thanks the players, says he’s “desperately” trying to avoid some people such as “Coach Belichick.” Says Raiders did Brady’s “favorite thing,” which is getting rid of Jimmy Garoppolo. Says Brady told him that drafting him was the “best decision this organization has ever made,” Tells Vladimir Putin, “Give me my f------ ring back, will ya?,” about 2½ minutes. Kevin Hart indicates he won’t trash Kraft, says he noticed Kraft and Belichick “so far apart” tonight, urges both to have a shot together, says “A Black man made that happen,” suggests Kraft won’t remember it, introduces Ben Affleck.
— Ben Affleck tells Brady he’s “pretty f----- ballsy” and slams fans who complain online, jabs at Belichick, under 5 minutes. Kevin Hart introduces Peyton Manning.
— Peyton Manning mentions Aaron Rodgers, Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski, says Gronk is about “firsts,” parents were “first cousins.” Says Belichick is joining the Manning brothers’ “Monday Night Football” show. Says Brady is making a donation to the charities of every former teammate at the event. Says he himself dines at Applebee’s while Brady regimen is into real bees and apples. Mentions the last time it took Brady this long to get on stage, calls him a “three-time Super Bowl loser” in introducing Brady, under 5 minutes.
— Tom Brady takes podium as crowd chants “Brady, Brady, Brady,” says he’s “had a lot of tequila.” Says Peyton Manning lives sometimes in Denver or Louisiana but will “always live in my shadow” and refers to a “slow, white Bronco” on L.A. freeways. Says that back in the day, Brett Favre was “still faxing his d--- pix ... Antonio Cromartie only had 1 kid,” maybe the most obscure reference that would only be known by hardcore football fans. Brady recalls “that fateful day in September of 2001 when tragically those two Jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe,” tells Kevin Hart he tried to get Dave Chappelle to host. Jabs Gronkowski and the “low bar” for Patriot tight ends, tells Edelman “you’ll never be me” and says Moss won’t get a ring or a text. Wonders, “When has Ben Affleck ever made a bad decision?” Mentions Glaser, Hinchcliffe, Schulz, “two racist bears,” salutes Schulz’s haircut, says Sam Jay looks like the “dude who shredded my ACL,” says “Kim was terrified to be here tonight ... because her kids are at home with their dad.” Asks, “Where’s Roger Goodell?” and says, given the amount spent on NFL investigation of Deflategate, they could’ve given Brady $20 million and he’d just say he did it. Says he wants to own the Raiders, “I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills,” knocks Bills “mafia” for not having a ring, says of Chiefs, “all your fans are 14-year-old girls,” mentions “Tay Tay” and “Chiefs eras” and “Shake it Off.” Says Belichick’s favorite ring is the camera that caught him “slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6 a.m. a few months ago. ... How many rings has Belichick won since I left.” Says the “F” word 16 times, the “S” word 6 times. Speaks for nearly 13 minutes, concludes with “Another One Bites the Dust.” Kevin Hart presents Tom Brady with a ring.
The most interesting decision was for Brady to deliver a routine in full braggadocio, asserting it’s his job to save the event in its final moments. Rather than the humble 6th-rounder who never trashed opponents, this was an “I’m the greatest and you all suck” routine, and its undeniably great lines were weighed down by the boasting, especially in the supposed taunts to the Patriots that fell flat. People understand the way it works, he gets trashed all night, then gets to trash everyone who did the trashing ... but it would’ve been funnier if Brady wasn’t, in fact, incredibly successful. Tom Brady talking about how great he is just isn’t, for whatever reason, particularly funny.
Brady’s best work was probably his reaction to all the other gags, particularly anything involving Aaron Hernandez. He was amused and bemused by the lines he was hearing and proved just as effective as a ratings board as Kevin Hart’s howling. Whether Brady was seriously in a few instances trying to break what could be called the “fourth wall” of a roast — warning a few speakers not to go there — he left the impression that even if he did have to silence or toss someone (it didn’t happen), the laughs would continue.
Gordon Gekko makes a comment in “Wall Street” about being roasted and a friend saying at that roast, “Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?” Gekko says, “It’s not always the most popular guy who gets the job done.” There was a lot of love for Tom Brady at Kia Forum, but like Gordon Gekko, he can be polarizing.
The Oscars is not thought of as a roast, but it’s much the same thing. Hosts will zing some of the stars in the crowd, whether over tabloid headlines or the quality of their movies, and the camera will catch every reaction. But that crowd is among the world’s toughest — entertainment bigwigs anxious about whether they’ll win an award. By contrast, just about everyone at the Brady event enjoyed taking or receiving some cheap shots.
Making people laugh throughout a sitcom is hard enough; making people laugh for longer than a football game is nearly impossible, but “The Roast of Tom Brady” actually did it. Unfortunately, for those who appreciate cutting-edge comedy and a little irreverence toward political correctness, this kind of event seems like a one-off. Another go-round by the guest of honor would quickly get redundant, and the odds of Netflix finding another celebrity willing to match this level of satire is close to nonexistent. Like the quarterback himself, it’s one of a kind.
3.5 stars
(October 2025)